About three weeks ago, I spent my day praying, crying, and writing. I learned long ago that God uses my blog to speak to me more than to anyone else. The result of that day was my last blog post.
I showed it to Eddy, took a deep
breath, and hit "post".
For the rest of the day, I was nervous. I
could see on my blog my stats, how many people were reading it, but I
had no idea about their reactions. I doubted myself and my decision to
post it. I couldn't get myself to read through it again, I was
remembering what I wrote and all the negative ways people might see it. Eddy warned me that that would probably happen, and he was right. I was kind of a mess.
And then, that night before bed, I checked my email.
I had received my first response.
I breathed a sigh of relief, I let all of my worry go, I read through my post again with new eyes. No longer judgmental but with compassion and understanding. From what I imagined was the perspective of the person who had written me.
The next day, I checked again, and I had a couple comments on the post and a few more emails. Each day, for several days I received emails and messages. Messages in which people shared their own experiences, messages of love and encouragement
I haven't been able to respond to all of you individually, but I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for sharing your own experiences with me and for all of your love and prayers and support. I can not tell you what it has meant to me. Your responses have not only encouraged me but also helped me to face some things that I had been avoiding.
I can see clearly now how God is using my post to help me. Each time I re-read my post or received an email or message, I was forced to face and deal with my loss. I choose to feel and cry and pray and talk to my husband when in the past I would have avoided thinking about it and found a way to distract myself. These have not been the easiest three weeks of my life, but they have been a time of healing and growth.
God has also used your responses to remind me how surrounded by love I really am. How blessed I am to have so many people praying for me and supporting me. I am so thankful for all of you.
These last weeks I have also been praying for joy and God has been answering. Although I have had difficult days, there have been days when I find myself joyful. Sunday was one of them. On the way to church I felt joy and I was excited about worshiping and I knew that that joy was a direct answer to my prayers.
I am also looking forward to several visitors in the next month. On Saturday, the "Grannies on a Mission" will be returning (my mom and Ruth). You guys can probably expect some updates on their blog next week. Next Friday, my dad will come down to join my mom and Eddy and I will get to spend some time with them. Right after that a woman from our mission organization is coming to visit for a couple weeks and Crown Point church is coming back down for their third construction work team in February. The next month will be very busy, but having visitors and getting to spend time with family and friends is always good for me. I will keep you all updated on how it all goes.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
The Truth
Hi everyone. So I haven't updated my blog in a really long time. When I don't blog for a while most of you assume it's because things have been really busy, and sometimes that is true. When we have work teams down, for example, things get really busy and I don't have time to blog. But most of the time, when I'm not blogging, it's for another reason. It's because I'm struggling.
If you know me personally, you probably know that I am actually a very private person. It goes against my nature to talk about myself, especially when it comes to personal things. Over the last few years, that is obviously something that I have had to confront and overcome over and over again. I present in churches and schools, I share my testimony, I open myself up to the people we are serving...
and I write about my journey in my blog.
God and I have had several coversations about this.
Sometimes I feel like it is "unfair" that I have to write my most personal thoughts for the world to judge and other people don't.
Now there are a few things that you will notice about that last statement. First, you might say that I don't "have to" write a blog, that it is my choice. And that's true, it is my choice. But the one constant over the last three and half years is that I KNOW when God is calling me to do something, and when He gives me that surety, I will always choose to do what He is calling me to do.
The second thing you will notice is the word "judge". Why am I so private? What is my biggest fear? That people will judge me. That if I talk about certain things they will think that I am just "looking for attention."
If I tell you that five months ago I had a miscarriage, will you think that I'm looking for attention or pity?
As a missionary, my worry is compounded. Most of the people that support us read this blog. It is even connected to some church's websites. I worry that they have expectations of me and I don't how to live up to those expectations because I'm not even sure what they are.
If I tell you all how much I have struggled in the last five months, will you question my ability to do the job that God has called me to do down here?
I don't know the answer to those questions, so when I'm struggling, I stay quiet. But right now, I am feeling called to write about this, so I am. I don't know His reasons, maybe it is for my own good, maybe it is to help someone else who will read this. Maybe both. Maybe neither.
Either way, here it is.
About six months ago (when I was in the states) I found out I was pregnant. I spent a month planning a life that would include a baby. I smiled as I imagined Eddy's mom's reaction when we told her (and his aunts' and his sisters') I was pretty sure it would include screaming and dancing around. I knew it would bring me closer to them and help deepen our relationship. I imagined the reactions of the the women I work with and at the church. I again imagined screaming and jumping up and down. Some of them had been praying for a baby for us since the day we got married (it's a cultural thing). I was going to have almost a full school year to really work with my teachers and get them to a place where they would be ok without me to finish the year. I was going to need to find a doctor. We figured out a plan of how we were going to fit a crib into our tiny apartment (we were going to get rid of the couch). I don't think a minute went by in that month that I wasn't thinking about the baby that I was carrying.
And then, about a week before Eddy and I came back to the DR, it was confirmed, at our first ultrasound appointment, that I had lost the baby.
That life that I had been planning in my head? It didn't exist anymore. There was no good news to tell all of the people in our lives. There was just a big hole, where that baby should have been. And soon, the sadness turned to anger.
In my anger, the Enemy got a foothold, started telling me lies, and aimed my anger mostly in one direction: the Dominican Republic.
I was back here, far away from my family and friends and in a culture where I couldn't get through a day without someone asking me when I was going to have a baby. It's a cultural thing that I had long ago gotten used to and we hadn't told anybody what happened, so they had no idea what each comment did to me. I began to isolate myself, from everyone.
This was the first lie: that in the Dominican Republic, we had no one. That they would blame me if we told them. That the comments about infertility would start. That because we are the leaders here, it is our job to take care of and support everyone else. That we have no one here to take care of and support us.
The Truth: we are so blessed to have so many amazing people in our lives here in the Dominican Republic. Eddy's family. The staff at the school. The members of our church. They LOVE us. They pray for us, they would do whatever was in their hands to help us and take care of us without a second's hesitation. It was me. I cut myself off from them. I was not allowing them to show me love or be there for me. I believed the lie.
I have always loved living here in the DR. It's not perfect but I was happy living here. But during that time, I could not remember why. I was miserable. I did not want to be here, I resented the fact that I had to be here. I raged against the Dominican Republic (which I know sounds ridiculous).
And then the Enemy brought it to the next level.
As I said, I resented the fact that I was here in the Dominican Republic. So the Enemy asked me: Who brought you here? Whose fault is it that you are stuck here? Who called you to this ministry? Who let your baby die?
God.
It always comes down to that doesn't it? The Enemy doing whatever he can to separate us from God? And so often we let him convince us that it is all God's fault. That He let this happen to us. That He doesn't care about us.
I was so lost in my sadness and anger that I didn't even see what was happening. With my husband's help, I opened my eyes. I saw my sin for what it was. I had to stop fighting and let go. I had to accept that my life did not include a baby and that no amount of "raging" would change that. Just as I had to stop cutting off the people in my life and allow them to love and take care of me, I had to stop cutting off God and let myself feel His comfort and love.
Because He had never left. He had always been there right beside me as I cried and mourned and raged. He helped me recognize the lies and see the truth. He welcomed me with open arms and gave me forgiveness that I didn't deserve.
I wish I could put this all in past tense and wrap it up in a neat bow and tell you that now everything is great and I am filled with joy and peace that never leaves. I can't do that. But I can tell you that even though I still sometimes struggle, God is using this situation. He is using it to bring both me and my husband closer to Him. To bring us closer together. To help us grown spiritually, both individually and in our marriage. I fully believe that we will come out of this much stronger and better prepared for the work that God is calling us to do and for the struggles that we will face in the future.
So that's my story. That's the truth. I can't help but wonder how you will react. Will you judge me and think that as a missionary I should be better? (I thought that for a long time) Or will it help you see that even though I have been called to another country to work in God's ministry, I am just like you. I am a sinner. I struggle. I fall down. That it's through God's grace that I am able to do the work that He is calling me to do down here.
He deserves all the glory and I deserve none.
Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
If you know me personally, you probably know that I am actually a very private person. It goes against my nature to talk about myself, especially when it comes to personal things. Over the last few years, that is obviously something that I have had to confront and overcome over and over again. I present in churches and schools, I share my testimony, I open myself up to the people we are serving...
and I write about my journey in my blog.
God and I have had several coversations about this.
Sometimes I feel like it is "unfair" that I have to write my most personal thoughts for the world to judge and other people don't.
Now there are a few things that you will notice about that last statement. First, you might say that I don't "have to" write a blog, that it is my choice. And that's true, it is my choice. But the one constant over the last three and half years is that I KNOW when God is calling me to do something, and when He gives me that surety, I will always choose to do what He is calling me to do.
The second thing you will notice is the word "judge". Why am I so private? What is my biggest fear? That people will judge me. That if I talk about certain things they will think that I am just "looking for attention."
If I tell you that five months ago I had a miscarriage, will you think that I'm looking for attention or pity?
As a missionary, my worry is compounded. Most of the people that support us read this blog. It is even connected to some church's websites. I worry that they have expectations of me and I don't how to live up to those expectations because I'm not even sure what they are.
If I tell you all how much I have struggled in the last five months, will you question my ability to do the job that God has called me to do down here?
I don't know the answer to those questions, so when I'm struggling, I stay quiet. But right now, I am feeling called to write about this, so I am. I don't know His reasons, maybe it is for my own good, maybe it is to help someone else who will read this. Maybe both. Maybe neither.
Either way, here it is.
About six months ago (when I was in the states) I found out I was pregnant. I spent a month planning a life that would include a baby. I smiled as I imagined Eddy's mom's reaction when we told her (and his aunts' and his sisters') I was pretty sure it would include screaming and dancing around. I knew it would bring me closer to them and help deepen our relationship. I imagined the reactions of the the women I work with and at the church. I again imagined screaming and jumping up and down. Some of them had been praying for a baby for us since the day we got married (it's a cultural thing). I was going to have almost a full school year to really work with my teachers and get them to a place where they would be ok without me to finish the year. I was going to need to find a doctor. We figured out a plan of how we were going to fit a crib into our tiny apartment (we were going to get rid of the couch). I don't think a minute went by in that month that I wasn't thinking about the baby that I was carrying.
And then, about a week before Eddy and I came back to the DR, it was confirmed, at our first ultrasound appointment, that I had lost the baby.
That life that I had been planning in my head? It didn't exist anymore. There was no good news to tell all of the people in our lives. There was just a big hole, where that baby should have been. And soon, the sadness turned to anger.
In my anger, the Enemy got a foothold, started telling me lies, and aimed my anger mostly in one direction: the Dominican Republic.
I was back here, far away from my family and friends and in a culture where I couldn't get through a day without someone asking me when I was going to have a baby. It's a cultural thing that I had long ago gotten used to and we hadn't told anybody what happened, so they had no idea what each comment did to me. I began to isolate myself, from everyone.
This was the first lie: that in the Dominican Republic, we had no one. That they would blame me if we told them. That the comments about infertility would start. That because we are the leaders here, it is our job to take care of and support everyone else. That we have no one here to take care of and support us.
The Truth: we are so blessed to have so many amazing people in our lives here in the Dominican Republic. Eddy's family. The staff at the school. The members of our church. They LOVE us. They pray for us, they would do whatever was in their hands to help us and take care of us without a second's hesitation. It was me. I cut myself off from them. I was not allowing them to show me love or be there for me. I believed the lie.
I have always loved living here in the DR. It's not perfect but I was happy living here. But during that time, I could not remember why. I was miserable. I did not want to be here, I resented the fact that I had to be here. I raged against the Dominican Republic (which I know sounds ridiculous).
And then the Enemy brought it to the next level.
As I said, I resented the fact that I was here in the Dominican Republic. So the Enemy asked me: Who brought you here? Whose fault is it that you are stuck here? Who called you to this ministry? Who let your baby die?
God.
It always comes down to that doesn't it? The Enemy doing whatever he can to separate us from God? And so often we let him convince us that it is all God's fault. That He let this happen to us. That He doesn't care about us.
I was so lost in my sadness and anger that I didn't even see what was happening. With my husband's help, I opened my eyes. I saw my sin for what it was. I had to stop fighting and let go. I had to accept that my life did not include a baby and that no amount of "raging" would change that. Just as I had to stop cutting off the people in my life and allow them to love and take care of me, I had to stop cutting off God and let myself feel His comfort and love.
Because He had never left. He had always been there right beside me as I cried and mourned and raged. He helped me recognize the lies and see the truth. He welcomed me with open arms and gave me forgiveness that I didn't deserve.
I wish I could put this all in past tense and wrap it up in a neat bow and tell you that now everything is great and I am filled with joy and peace that never leaves. I can't do that. But I can tell you that even though I still sometimes struggle, God is using this situation. He is using it to bring both me and my husband closer to Him. To bring us closer together. To help us grown spiritually, both individually and in our marriage. I fully believe that we will come out of this much stronger and better prepared for the work that God is calling us to do and for the struggles that we will face in the future.
So that's my story. That's the truth. I can't help but wonder how you will react. Will you judge me and think that as a missionary I should be better? (I thought that for a long time) Or will it help you see that even though I have been called to another country to work in God's ministry, I am just like you. I am a sinner. I struggle. I fall down. That it's through God's grace that I am able to do the work that He is calling me to do down here.
He deserves all the glory and I deserve none.
Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Thursday, September 20, 2012
New School Year
Well, we have been back to school for just about a month now.As you can see from these first two pictures, the first couple of weeks were a little bit difficult for some of our kids (especially the 2 year olds). But I am happy to report that we have made it through that stage and now have preschool full of happy children. Here are a few pictures.
 |
 |
| 4 year old class |
 |
| 3 year old class |
 |
| 2 year olds |
 |
| Eddy at his new desk. |
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Our Summer
In case you
are not friends with me (or my mom) on facebook, I thought I would update with
a summary of what we did this summer.
MAY
On May 23, with a whole 2 weeks to prepare, Eddy and I got on an airplane (his first) and flew to Miami and then Chicago. Even though Eddy had his visa and everything was legal, I don’t think either of us could relax until he got through immigration in Miami. Actually, flying isn’t really Eddy’s thing, so I don’t think he relaxed until we landed in Chicago. My mom and my sister came to pick us up with a welcome sign and then treated us to Eddy’s first Starbucks. We arrived on Wednesday night and had family night, complete with Aurelio’s pizza (my request). On Thursday we had our first of many meetings and on Friday night I had my sister’s bachelorette party.
On Saturday, we headed up to Michigan for my
cousin’s wedding and then we stayed for the long weekend (Memorial Day) at my
brother-in-law’s cottage. The rest of
that week was filled with preparations for my sister’s wedding. I had a lot of fun going with her to her final
dress fitting, helping with seating charts, making decorations, etc.
JUNE
We spent June 1 setting up and decorating and then had rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. And June 2 was the big day. My little sister got married. It was a very long, fun day. A couple days later, Eddy and I took a Megabus from Chicago to Kansas to visit our friend Katie. We had a great 5 days in which we basically road tripped with her from her old home in Kansas to her new place in Oklahoma. It was really great to see her and I was excited that Eddy got to see part of the country as well.
The next
couple weeks we focused on ministry. We
presented at three different churches, we met with some of the Illiana kids
from the last team, and we spent a lot of time organizing our schedule and
contacting all of the people who had mentioned wanting to see us while we were
in town. We also spent some time with
the family (father’s day, girls’ night with my cousins, free concert at Millennium Park).
The last
week of June, we flew to Buffalo, New York for a conference with our mission
organization. We had four great days full
of worship services, informational seminars, getting to know other
missionaries, etc. It was definitely a
great time where we could rest and focus on God and what He is calling us to do. We left feeling re-energized and focused on
our ministry and our life in the Dominican Republic. The last day, they brought us to see the Niagara Falls and we even got to go on the boat “Maiden of the Mist” that takes
you down and under the falls. It was a
great experience.
We got back from New York just in time to help with some last minute wedding preparations. On June 28 we had my brother’s rehearsal and on June 29, we celebrated David and Christine’s wedding. I still can’t believe that my little brother is married.
So we
started and ended June with weddings. It
meant so much to me that Eddy was able to be there for the weddings of both my
brother and my sister. I don’t think
there are words to express how grateful I was that God granted us the visa in
time for him to be there as part of the family for those two important days.
JULY
The first
three weeks of July were completely full of ministry work and spending time
with all of our new friends and supporters of the ministry. Eddy and I were overwhelmed by the amount of
people who were so excited about our trip to the US and wanted to see us and
invited us into their homes. During
those three weeks we presented at two more churches and every single week night
we had a commitment, most of which were dinners at peoples’ houses. We also had lots of meetings and other work
to do with our stateside committee and our mission organization. We were very busy but we were so encouraged
by the love that was showered on us.
My mom also threw Eddy a birthday party in order to give everyone else a chance to see Eddy while he was in town as well. We invited everyone in the area from the work teams that have come down as well as our family and friends. So many people came out and we had so much fun. Eddy said it was the best birthday party he has ever had.
The last
week of July we were able to go on my family’s camping trip. My family has been taking this trip to the
same campground every year since I was 3 years old. Over all of those years, there have only been
two years that we have not gone. One was
when my brother (who just got married) was a baby and the other was last year,
because of our wedding. Eddy and I had
planned to go home the third week of July, but when we found out about the
camping trip, we decided to extend our trip another week so that we could
go. Although we had had a lot of family
time throughout our trip, it was mostly centered on weddings and other
busyness. For our camping trip it was a
great opportunity for us to relax and for my family to really get to know Eddy
and for us all to spend some quality together. 
We got home from camping on a Sunday, spent two days doing laundry, packing, last minute shopping and on Wednesday, August 1 we heading back to the airport and flew home. Our trip, as I think you can tell, was kind of a whirlwind of activity. I don’t think that we could have fit anything more into our trip. I think we were able to find a good balance of ministry and family. Personally, this trip was so beneficial for our marriage and for my family. Eddy understands me and knows me better after spending so much time with my family and friends and seeing me in a different environment. My family had the opportunity to really get to know him and to see us together as a married couple.
As far as
ministry, this trip was so necessary and beneficial as well. We were able to spend time and build
relationships with our mission organization.
We presented together at all of our supporting churches. We were welcomed with open arms by our
amazing group of supporters. I also believe
that my deepest hope for our trip came true in that, not only my family and friends, but also
our mission organization, our committee, and all of our supporters were able to
not only meet Eddy, but get to know him and hear him speak and get to see what
an amazing heart he has and the gifts that God has given him and how important
he is to God’s ministry here in the DR.
If that were the only thing accomplished by our trip, that would have
been enough for me. But as I have
learned, God gives us more than we can even hope or desire and in our time in
the US, He allowed us to accomplish more than I even thought possible. Friday, July 13, 2012
The Visa Story
A Little Background
Three years ago, God gave me a faith like I had never known before. It was with this faith, that I made the decision to go to the Dominican Republic to serve in His ministry there. I was absolutely certain that God wanted me there and that He had a purpose for me. I had no idea what He had planned for me, but I was so sure of His will that I was completely filled with peace with the decision.
Since then, God has blessed me over and over again. God continued to give me one blessing after the other without me even having to ask. It was as if God was presenting me with these amazing opportunities and all I had to do was have the faith and the courage to accept. Everything I wanted, every major life decision was made in the complete assurance that this is what God had planned for me. It was as if He said “Here is a man that I have spent years preparing for you, He will love you and be a spiritual leader to you, will you take the step in faith and marry him?” or “the school needs a preschool principal, you have the knowledge and ability to do this job and you will feel useful and fulfilled in your role, will you accept that position in this ministry?” Each time, all I had to do was accept His blessings and follow His lead.
Each time I accepted, God blessed us more. He provided for our needs and He gave us the courage, the faith, and the joy that we needed along the way.
You may remember from my post “Eddy’s Visa” that several months ago, Eddy and I started the process to get his visa. We had tried last summer and been rejected and it was very difficult. We talked to a few lawyers to see what we should do this time and were told that our chances were very, very slim. In fact, I think the word “impossible” was used a few times. We knew that even though getting a visa was “impossible” that God had the power to grant one if He chose to, so we went against legal advice and decided to at least try.
A Personal Request
Eddy’s visa was something that I wanted so badly. I wanted him to come to the states for so many reasons. I wanted him to come to the churches to present with me so that everyone could meet him and get to know his heart. I wanted my family to have a chance to really get to know him. I wanted him to be at my sister’s wedding and my brother’s wedding (they were both in June). I wanted him to see the house I grew up in, I wanted him to meet my grandma. I felt so strongly that him coming the states would be so beneficial for the ministry, for my family, and for our marriage.
The visa was so important to me. It was a major, life-altering thing. Now major, life-altering moments were not new to me, having moved to a new country, started a new career and gotten married over the last 3 years. However, this time was different. All of those other things were offered to me along with an undoubted assurance that this was God’s will. The visa was not just offered to me, in fact it was an impossible request. And although I completely believed that God had the power to grant that request, I did not have the undoubted assurance that He would. I knew that He knew better than me and just because I had my reasons for wanting this visa, did not mean that I was right, that it was actually what was best for me. And there was nothing that I could do. I just had to wait for His answer. And that was hard.
Here is something that you need to know about me: I am a sinner.
I try my best to follow God but I sin just like everyone else. There is not a time that my brokeneness is more evident than when I am hurt and angry. And that night I was very hurt and angry. I will tell you that my thoughts and words and actions were not filled with love or grace or mercy. I was not acting Christ-like.
Late that night, I skyped with a friend and she told me that she had just heard a sermon in which her pastor said that whatever struggle you are going through, it is not about the struggle, it about Christ and the cross. That it always goes back to the cross. I told her that that sounds like a great truth, but I have no idea what it means. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it.
Since we didn’t know how to get to the consulate, Eddy’s cousin drove us there in our truck. Eddy was in front with him, so I had over three hours in the back seat to myself to think and pray and listen to my praise and worship cds.
on Thy grace, I rest my plea
Plenteous in compassion Thou
Blot out my transgressions now
Wash me, make me pure within
Cleanse, oh, cleanse me from my sin
My transgressions I confess
Grief and guilt my soul oppress
I have sinned against Thy grace
And provoked Thee to Thy face
I confess Thy judgment just
Speechless, I, Thy mercy trust
I am evil born in sin
Thou desirest truth within
Thou alone my Savior art
Teach Thy wisdom to my heart
Make me pure, Thy grace bestow
Wash me whiter than the snow
Gracious God, my heart renew
Make my spirit right and true
Thy salvation's joy impart
Steadfast make my willing heart
Steadfast make my willing heart
Broken, humbled to the dust
By Thy wrath and judgment just
Let my contrite heart rejoice
And in gladness hear Thy voice
From my sins, oh, hide Thy face
Blot them out in boundless grace
Three years ago, God gave me a faith like I had never known before. It was with this faith, that I made the decision to go to the Dominican Republic to serve in His ministry there. I was absolutely certain that God wanted me there and that He had a purpose for me. I had no idea what He had planned for me, but I was so sure of His will that I was completely filled with peace with the decision.
Since then, God has blessed me over and over again. God continued to give me one blessing after the other without me even having to ask. It was as if God was presenting me with these amazing opportunities and all I had to do was have the faith and the courage to accept. Everything I wanted, every major life decision was made in the complete assurance that this is what God had planned for me. It was as if He said “Here is a man that I have spent years preparing for you, He will love you and be a spiritual leader to you, will you take the step in faith and marry him?” or “the school needs a preschool principal, you have the knowledge and ability to do this job and you will feel useful and fulfilled in your role, will you accept that position in this ministry?” Each time, all I had to do was accept His blessings and follow His lead.
Each time I accepted, God blessed us more. He provided for our needs and He gave us the courage, the faith, and the joy that we needed along the way.
You may remember from my post “Eddy’s Visa” that several months ago, Eddy and I started the process to get his visa. We had tried last summer and been rejected and it was very difficult. We talked to a few lawyers to see what we should do this time and were told that our chances were very, very slim. In fact, I think the word “impossible” was used a few times. We knew that even though getting a visa was “impossible” that God had the power to grant one if He chose to, so we went against legal advice and decided to at least try.
A Personal Request
Eddy’s visa was something that I wanted so badly. I wanted him to come to the states for so many reasons. I wanted him to come to the churches to present with me so that everyone could meet him and get to know his heart. I wanted my family to have a chance to really get to know him. I wanted him to be at my sister’s wedding and my brother’s wedding (they were both in June). I wanted him to see the house I grew up in, I wanted him to meet my grandma. I felt so strongly that him coming the states would be so beneficial for the ministry, for my family, and for our marriage.
The visa was so important to me. It was a major, life-altering thing. Now major, life-altering moments were not new to me, having moved to a new country, started a new career and gotten married over the last 3 years. However, this time was different. All of those other things were offered to me along with an undoubted assurance that this was God’s will. The visa was not just offered to me, in fact it was an impossible request. And although I completely believed that God had the power to grant that request, I did not have the undoubted assurance that He would. I knew that He knew better than me and just because I had my reasons for wanting this visa, did not mean that I was right, that it was actually what was best for me. And there was nothing that I could do. I just had to wait for His answer. And that was hard.
God's Hand
Even though it was a very
personal desire of mine, I felt led to write about it in my blog and I was
amazed by the response. God really used
the situation to show us what an amazing group of supporters we have. I received emails from people saying that
they added it to their church’s prayer list, I had people offering to write
letters on Eddy’s behalf. It was
amazing. We could see that God was already using the situation to bless us and teach us.
Bargaining
We knew that if God denied the
visa, it was for a reason and that there was probably something that we needed
to learn. So about a week before the
appointment I started to try to learn everything that God might be trying to
teach us before our appointment. Shamefully, I admit to you that I was trying
to earn it, I was trying to show God that we deserved it. I was so powerless in the situation that I
was trying to take some of the control back.
Admission
So there I was, trying to be the best Chrisitan I could be, trying to learn all of the lessons God might be trying to teach me and then something happened. The night before we were supposed to go to consulate
for our appointment, someone let us down.
We were promised that a letter that we needed for our appointment would
be emailed to us that night, and it never arrived. We tried to get a hold of that person every
way possible because we needed that letter, and we never did get a hold of
them. Here is something that you need to know about me: I am a sinner.
I try my best to follow God but I sin just like everyone else. There is not a time that my brokeneness is more evident than when I am hurt and angry. And that night I was very hurt and angry. I will tell you that my thoughts and words and actions were not filled with love or grace or mercy. I was not acting Christ-like.
Late that night, I skyped with a friend and she told me that she had just heard a sermon in which her pastor said that whatever struggle you are going through, it is not about the struggle, it about Christ and the cross. That it always goes back to the cross. I told her that that sounds like a great truth, but I have no idea what it means. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it.
I woke up the next morning
full of shame. And I thought to myself,
there goes our chances. If we had any
hope of getting a visa, we just lost it, because after a week of trying to show
God much I could learn and how great I was, I had completely failed. I knew that I completely did not deserve to
be granted my request for Eddy’s visa. I
didn’t deserve anything. I was completely
aware of what a sinner I was.
My JourneySince we didn’t know how to get to the consulate, Eddy’s cousin drove us there in our truck. Eddy was in front with him, so I had over three hours in the back seat to myself to think and pray and listen to my praise and worship cds.
I spent most of that time
talking to God. I told him that I knew
that we didn’t deserve this visa but that we had to at least go to the
appointment so could He please just be with us and help us get through what
promised to be very difficult day. Soon
after, a song came on my cd. It’s a song
that I grew up with so the words were very familiar to me, but for the first
time I actually listened to the lyrics and heard the words. These are those words:
God be merciful
to me on Thy grace, I rest my plea
Plenteous in compassion Thou
Blot out my transgressions now
Wash me, make me pure within
Cleanse, oh, cleanse me from my sin
My transgressions I confess
Grief and guilt my soul oppress
I have sinned against Thy grace
And provoked Thee to Thy face
I confess Thy judgment just
Speechless, I, Thy mercy trust
I am evil born in sin
Thou desirest truth within
Thou alone my Savior art
Teach Thy wisdom to my heart
Make me pure, Thy grace bestow
Wash me whiter than the snow
Gracious God, my heart renew
Make my spirit right and true
Thy salvation's joy impart
Steadfast make my willing heart
Steadfast make my willing heart
Broken, humbled to the dust
By Thy wrath and judgment just
Let my contrite heart rejoice
And in gladness hear Thy voice
From my sins, oh, hide Thy face
Blot them out in boundless grace
After hearing that song, I
finally understood what my friend had said about everything going back to the
cross. There was no way that I could
earn or deserve this request that I had made to God. Just like there is no way that I can earn or
deserve God’s love or His grace, nor do we need to. It is freely given to us. I fail, I fall down, I sin but I
am God’s child and He saved me by His death on the cross and He loves me
no matter what and He will always take care of me and work everything out for
my good and His purposes. Compared to
that something like Eddy’s visa seemed very small.
The Appointment
We went to our appointment, we
stood in several lines, we waited hours, and then it was finally our turn. When it’s your turn they tell you which line
to go in and it’s like you are at a teller.
They are behind glass and speak through a microphone. After asking us a few questions, he turned
his mic off to talk to the other guy sitting next to him and then confirmed
what we already knew. I could see them
talking and I could see him say that he was sure we were telling the truth but
he just can’t give us the visa. So then
we knew.
He turned the mic back on and started basically explaining to us why we our situation is so difficult. We can’t do the spousal visa because we live in the DR but there is so much fraud so we can’t get the visitor visa either. We could tell he felt bad but that he just couldn’t do it, he didn’t want to see any of our letters or anything that we brought. I was actually just happy to be talking to someone who knows the law and asked him what options we had. His answer told us that we had no options, the visitor visa was the right visa, we just won’t ever get it because of all of the fraud that other people have committed.
But then something changed, I don’t remember what I said but he changed and he actually looked at our letter from the mission organization. We had been invited to their North American missionary conference. He was reading it but then he should his head and stamped something and handed Eddy a paper and then said something in Spanish that I did not understand. I thought he was finally sick of talking to us and was giving us the final “no” but Eddy looked happy so I said “what?” He said “go pay the cashier” (I knew that the only reason to go pay the cashier is to pay for them to ship you the passport with the visa inside.) I said “so, yes?” He said, “yes but don’t tell anyone I did this for you.” So we took our papers and we ran. We paid the cashier and she said that we would receive the visa in 4-6 business days.
Then we realized that we had no idea how long it was for and when it started.
He turned the mic back on and started basically explaining to us why we our situation is so difficult. We can’t do the spousal visa because we live in the DR but there is so much fraud so we can’t get the visitor visa either. We could tell he felt bad but that he just couldn’t do it, he didn’t want to see any of our letters or anything that we brought. I was actually just happy to be talking to someone who knows the law and asked him what options we had. His answer told us that we had no options, the visitor visa was the right visa, we just won’t ever get it because of all of the fraud that other people have committed.
But then something changed, I don’t remember what I said but he changed and he actually looked at our letter from the mission organization. We had been invited to their North American missionary conference. He was reading it but then he should his head and stamped something and handed Eddy a paper and then said something in Spanish that I did not understand. I thought he was finally sick of talking to us and was giving us the final “no” but Eddy looked happy so I said “what?” He said “go pay the cashier” (I knew that the only reason to go pay the cashier is to pay for them to ship you the passport with the visa inside.) I said “so, yes?” He said, “yes but don’t tell anyone I did this for you.” So we took our papers and we ran. We paid the cashier and she said that we would receive the visa in 4-6 business days.
Then we realized that we had no idea how long it was for and when it started.
Reality
Although we were so excited to know that the visa request had been accepted, the next couple days were difficult. At that point I already had a plane ticket booked for two weeks later in order to be home for my sister’s wedding. Talking
to that guy confirmed that this could very well be a once in a lifetime
opportunity and we may not get a visa again for a very long time. The reality of the situation was hitting us.
We knew that this would be a burden that we would always have to carry. That we would always be fighting this fight,
trying to get visas and we knew that we had to find a way to accept that. But we were realizing how
hard that was actually going to be.
We knew the visa would either be 1 month or 3 months. We were praying for 3 months because we knew that we had to fit everything into this one visit. In my wildest dreams I thought maybe we would get 1 year, because then we could have one Christmas with my family but I knew that that was a long shot, so we focused on hoping and praying for 3 months.
We knew the visa would either be 1 month or 3 months. We were praying for 3 months because we knew that we had to fit everything into this one visit. In my wildest dreams I thought maybe we would get 1 year, because then we could have one Christmas with my family but I knew that that was a long shot, so we focused on hoping and praying for 3 months.
The Answer
A few days later, we got a call
that the messenger was in the area so Eddy ran down to meet him. He came back and told me that the visa was for 10
years. I didn’t believe him. I think I said “no” 15 times.
Then he showed me the visa and I read: “expiration date May 6, 2022”.
In that moment, God took away our greatest burden and worry all at once. Getting a ten year visa is unheard of, especially for your first visa. It’s unbelievable, it’s impossible, but it’s what God did for us.
(FYI -What this means is that
for the next 10 years, Eddy can travel to and visit the United States as much
as he wants. We can decide to make the
trips based on personal reasons or ministry needs. Our visits are no longer based on whether or
not we will be able to get a visa. It is
the most amazing gift that God could have given us.)Then he showed me the visa and I read: “expiration date May 6, 2022”.
In that moment, God took away our greatest burden and worry all at once. Getting a ten year visa is unheard of, especially for your first visa. It’s unbelievable, it’s impossible, but it’s what God did for us.
So here I am, a sinner. Someone who first tried to convince God of all
of the reasons He should give us a visa, and then tried to earn and deserve it,
and then proved how much she didn’t deserve it and how far she has to go in her
walk with God. And in the end, God not
only gave that sinner the desire of her heart, but He gave her 10 times more
than she even dared to hope for.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Eddy's Visa
This is a blog post that I have been thinking about for a while and I have
been putting off. I'm not sure why, probably because it is a topic that I don't
even like thinking about. Eddy's visa. I have mentioned things in passing in
other posts, but have not specifically explained what the situation is. I will
start with explaining the basics, because most of you are probably like I was 2
years ago, in that you don't have any personal experience with immigration
laws, or if you do, not immigration laws for someone from a 3rd world country.
(Side note: The purpose of this post is not to state any political opinion about immigration or immigration laws. The purpose is just to share the personal experience of my husband and to ask for prayers. I am also not an expert on immigration or immigration law. What I state in this post is the information that has been given to me by people who have been through it themselves or by lawyers that we have spoken to. Also, in this post I am talking about our attempts to get Eddy a visitor visa, not a spousal visa or anything else of the sort.)
A Little Bit of Background/Common Misconceptions
The first major misconception that I have come across in talking to Americans about Eddy's situation is that these are Dominican laws that are keeping Eddy from traveling to the US. That is incorrect. I, as an American residing here in the DR, have to abide by and work within Dominican immigration laws in order to live here. Eddy, as a Dominican, wanting to visit the US, has to abide by and work within American immigration laws in order to travel there.
The second misconception is that you only need a visa if you want to live or work in the United States. That is also not true. Even to just visit, Eddy needs a visitor visa. You may think that something like that would be easy to get. Also not true, not in the Dominican Republic. Why? because they believe that once you get to the United States, you will not leave again. That you will stay and live there illegally. When trying to get a visitor visa, the most important thing is to try to prove that you will come back to the DR that you will not stay in the US. Why do they think you will stay? Probably because so many people have done just that. Because of this, I understand why the laws are what they are, but it is still frustrating when you (or your husband) are being honest and don't have any intent on staying, and really do just want to visit.
Misconception number three: Now that Eddy and I are married, getting a visa for him to visit should be much easier. I wish. Having read the previous paragraph, you may have already connected the dots on this one. In case you haven't, let me tell you that being married to an American does not help when trying to convince the American officials that you will not stay in the US to live. In fact, in their minds, the risk of that is much greater. There is an assumption that any non-American who is married to an American has the goal of living in the United States. Now that we are married, it is actually more difficult to get a visitor visa.
We have been placed here in the DR permanently by our mission organization. We do not know how long God will continue to call us to serve him here or when He will lead us somewhere else. However, if Eddy receives a visitor visa, we will only be visiting. We will definitely be coming back to continue our work here in the DR.
Why do we want Eddy to visit the United States?
First and most importantly: ministry purposes. Our mission organization has invited us to the North American Conference in June. This would be a great opportunity for us to build relationships with other missionaries, for the leaders of the mission organization to meet and get to know Eddy, and for us to learn and grow as missionaries and leaders. Also, we have been invited by our supporting churches to present about our ministry as well. It is very important that these churches meet and get to know Eddy and for us to represent our ministry together. This summer we will also need to be working on raising our personal support. Having Eddy in the states with me would help tremendously with that as well.
As you can see from reading about our situation, the chances of Eddy getting a visa are slim to none. It is a very long shot. We learned this the hard way last summer when we tried and failed to get him a visitor visa. However, the reason that we are trying again is because our chances of getting a visa for him have improved because of these invitations from our mission organization and support churches. Also, our mission organization can attest to the fact that we are placed here in the DR and will be returning.
Secondly: family and personal reasons. It would mean so much to my family to have Eddy home with me this summer. He is a part of our family and he should be there for family celebrations and family camping trips and just to experience everyday life for a little while. Also, on a very personal level, I just really want my husband to come with me to the United States. I do not want to be separated from him for six weeks in the first year of our marriage. I do not want to go and present to all of these churches by myself. I want him to experience family night. I want him to be at Sunday dinner. I want him to meet my grandma and my aunts and uncles and cousins. I want him to see the house that I grew up in and hear all of the stories that go along with it. I want him to see me with my family in a relaxed setting. I want him to come with me to my home church. And most of all, I want him to know me in a way that he can only know me by seeing for himself and experiencing the place where I grew up and became the person that he fell in love with and married. I have learned so much about Eddy by watching him with his family and hearing all of his childhood stories, (seeing where he used to play baseball with his friends as a kid, where he used to go swimming in the creek and always got in trouble.) I want him to learn about me in the same way.
Our God is an Awesome God
I stated before that our chances have improved because of the letters of invitation, but the odds are still very slim. However, we know that when it comes to God, the odds don't matter. We could have the best odds, it could be that 99% chance that we will get the visa, and if it is not God's will, we won't get it. We could have a 1% chance of getting the visa (which is closer to reality) and if it's God's will that Eddy go to the states this summer, he will get it. God is bigger than immigration laws. He is in control and what He wills to happen is what will happen.
Revelations 3:7b-8 "These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. 8 I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name."
On May 7, we have our appointment at the American consulate. On that day God will reveal, in regards to this particular door, if he will open it, or close it. The desire of our hearts, for all the reasons listed above, is that Eddy receives this visa. Your prayers would be greatly appreciated.
Philippians 4:6-7 "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
We know that above all, God's will will be done. If we receive the visa that day, we will know that it was only because of God and may He receive all of the glory. If we are denied the visa that day, we will be disappointed, but we will know that it was in God's hands and that everything that happens is for the good of those that love Him. Over the next couple of weeks I will memorize Philippians 4:6-7 and I will pray over and over again that He helps us not to be anxious and that He gives us the peace that surpasses all understanding.
I would like to invite all of you to join us in prayer for this situation. Please join us in "letting our requests be made known to God" and pray that God may grant Eddy this visa. But more than that, please also pray that God would provide peace and acceptance of the decision (no matter what it is)not just for me and Eddy but also for my family, his family, our church members, the school staff, friends, ministry supporters, and everyone else who will also be touched or effected by it.
Thank you all for your love and support and your prayers.
(Side note: The purpose of this post is not to state any political opinion about immigration or immigration laws. The purpose is just to share the personal experience of my husband and to ask for prayers. I am also not an expert on immigration or immigration law. What I state in this post is the information that has been given to me by people who have been through it themselves or by lawyers that we have spoken to. Also, in this post I am talking about our attempts to get Eddy a visitor visa, not a spousal visa or anything else of the sort.)
A Little Bit of Background/Common Misconceptions
The first major misconception that I have come across in talking to Americans about Eddy's situation is that these are Dominican laws that are keeping Eddy from traveling to the US. That is incorrect. I, as an American residing here in the DR, have to abide by and work within Dominican immigration laws in order to live here. Eddy, as a Dominican, wanting to visit the US, has to abide by and work within American immigration laws in order to travel there.
The second misconception is that you only need a visa if you want to live or work in the United States. That is also not true. Even to just visit, Eddy needs a visitor visa. You may think that something like that would be easy to get. Also not true, not in the Dominican Republic. Why? because they believe that once you get to the United States, you will not leave again. That you will stay and live there illegally. When trying to get a visitor visa, the most important thing is to try to prove that you will come back to the DR that you will not stay in the US. Why do they think you will stay? Probably because so many people have done just that. Because of this, I understand why the laws are what they are, but it is still frustrating when you (or your husband) are being honest and don't have any intent on staying, and really do just want to visit.
Misconception number three: Now that Eddy and I are married, getting a visa for him to visit should be much easier. I wish. Having read the previous paragraph, you may have already connected the dots on this one. In case you haven't, let me tell you that being married to an American does not help when trying to convince the American officials that you will not stay in the US to live. In fact, in their minds, the risk of that is much greater. There is an assumption that any non-American who is married to an American has the goal of living in the United States. Now that we are married, it is actually more difficult to get a visitor visa.
We have been placed here in the DR permanently by our mission organization. We do not know how long God will continue to call us to serve him here or when He will lead us somewhere else. However, if Eddy receives a visitor visa, we will only be visiting. We will definitely be coming back to continue our work here in the DR.
Why do we want Eddy to visit the United States?
First and most importantly: ministry purposes. Our mission organization has invited us to the North American Conference in June. This would be a great opportunity for us to build relationships with other missionaries, for the leaders of the mission organization to meet and get to know Eddy, and for us to learn and grow as missionaries and leaders. Also, we have been invited by our supporting churches to present about our ministry as well. It is very important that these churches meet and get to know Eddy and for us to represent our ministry together. This summer we will also need to be working on raising our personal support. Having Eddy in the states with me would help tremendously with that as well.
As you can see from reading about our situation, the chances of Eddy getting a visa are slim to none. It is a very long shot. We learned this the hard way last summer when we tried and failed to get him a visitor visa. However, the reason that we are trying again is because our chances of getting a visa for him have improved because of these invitations from our mission organization and support churches. Also, our mission organization can attest to the fact that we are placed here in the DR and will be returning.
Secondly: family and personal reasons. It would mean so much to my family to have Eddy home with me this summer. He is a part of our family and he should be there for family celebrations and family camping trips and just to experience everyday life for a little while. Also, on a very personal level, I just really want my husband to come with me to the United States. I do not want to be separated from him for six weeks in the first year of our marriage. I do not want to go and present to all of these churches by myself. I want him to experience family night. I want him to be at Sunday dinner. I want him to meet my grandma and my aunts and uncles and cousins. I want him to see the house that I grew up in and hear all of the stories that go along with it. I want him to see me with my family in a relaxed setting. I want him to come with me to my home church. And most of all, I want him to know me in a way that he can only know me by seeing for himself and experiencing the place where I grew up and became the person that he fell in love with and married. I have learned so much about Eddy by watching him with his family and hearing all of his childhood stories, (seeing where he used to play baseball with his friends as a kid, where he used to go swimming in the creek and always got in trouble.) I want him to learn about me in the same way.
Our God is an Awesome God
I stated before that our chances have improved because of the letters of invitation, but the odds are still very slim. However, we know that when it comes to God, the odds don't matter. We could have the best odds, it could be that 99% chance that we will get the visa, and if it is not God's will, we won't get it. We could have a 1% chance of getting the visa (which is closer to reality) and if it's God's will that Eddy go to the states this summer, he will get it. God is bigger than immigration laws. He is in control and what He wills to happen is what will happen.
Revelations 3:7b-8 "These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. 8 I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name."
On May 7, we have our appointment at the American consulate. On that day God will reveal, in regards to this particular door, if he will open it, or close it. The desire of our hearts, for all the reasons listed above, is that Eddy receives this visa. Your prayers would be greatly appreciated.
Philippians 4:6-7 "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
We know that above all, God's will will be done. If we receive the visa that day, we will know that it was only because of God and may He receive all of the glory. If we are denied the visa that day, we will be disappointed, but we will know that it was in God's hands and that everything that happens is for the good of those that love Him. Over the next couple of weeks I will memorize Philippians 4:6-7 and I will pray over and over again that He helps us not to be anxious and that He gives us the peace that surpasses all understanding.
I would like to invite all of you to join us in prayer for this situation. Please join us in "letting our requests be made known to God" and pray that God may grant Eddy this visa. But more than that, please also pray that God would provide peace and acceptance of the decision (no matter what it is)not just for me and Eddy but also for my family, his family, our church members, the school staff, friends, ministry supporters, and everyone else who will also be touched or effected by it.
Thank you all for your love and support and your prayers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)