February

I John 4:11-12 “Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.”

Since it's February, the teachers decorated their classrooms and doors and bulletin boards with verses about love.   What I have learned over the years is that love is not a feeling, it is an action.  It is the selfless serving of others.  This February, this ministry received a lot of love.  The Grannies came down and served and loved.  A visitor from our mission organization, Edith, is here for three weeks, serving and helping out of love.  And last week, a work team from First Christian Reformed Church of Crown Point came down to serve in the ministry as well.   We have been blessed beyond measure this month of February.

I've already talked some about the Grannies, so in this post I want to share about the work team.  This was the church’s third construction work team in the last three years.  We always look forward to seeing them each year and continuing to build a relationship with the team members and the church. Some of the team member have come down two or three times.  It is so encouraging to see them each year and Eddy and I consider them close friends.  Many of them even invited us into their homes when we went to the states last summer.  We also enjoyed getting to know the new guys on this trip as well.

The team spent four days in the blazing sun and built almost the complete second story over the office and bathrooms.  They worked very hard and accomplished so much.  They also took the time to play with the kids and build relationships with some of the staff and church members.  One of my favorite things was watching the groups play with the kids at recess time, chasing them around and carrying them on their shoulders.  A few of the members of this group sponsor a student, so they were able to spend time with their sponsor children as well.  Also, on their last night here, they got to experience a little bit of the culture when they went in small groups to some of our staff and church members’ homes for supper.   

This team was such a blessing to us and to the ministry.  We look forward to seeing them again soon.

I John 4: 7-8 “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Thank you.

My parents left early in the morning last Saturday.  It had been over two weeks with my mom, and Ruth, and then my dad.  The week with the grannies was really busy.  We were constantly changing the schedule to fit more and more in.  Then we had a few days at the beach with my parents.  We had a great time relaxing and spending time as a family.   

After they left, Saturday and Sunday were a little bit difficult for me.  I had said three goodbyes in less than a week and I was facing a week that was sure to be very busy catching up on the things that I had not had time to do when they were here and getting ready for our next work team that arrives Sunday.  I was kind of stressed but mostly I was just sad.  I felt like I was alone again.

But God didn't let me feel sorry for myself for very long.  Over the last couple of days, He has reminded me that I am not alone.  He has given me an appreciation for my husband and for his love for me.  (I actually have been thinking about writing a whole blog post about how great Eddy is... but I don't know if anyone wants to read that.)  God has also opened my eyes even more to my staff at the preschool and how amazing they are and how much I care about them and they care about me.

God has also been filling me with a joy and an excitement for the ministry and for my life here in the DR that I haven't felt in a long time.

This past weekend, I was too busy feeling bad for my self that I didn't pray for joy or for a contentment with my life, but I think somebody did.  I don't know who, but somebody was praying for me.  And God answered.  So I just want to say that if it was you...

THANK YOU.

 

The Grannies

"The Grannies"

That's not just the name of their blog, it is really what we call them.

Example:
Me: "The Grannies want to ride in the back of the truck on the way to the grocery store."
Eddy:  sighs and shakes his head and laughs "ok"

The people here have a name for them as well.  They call them "Las Doñas".

The Grannies are very entertaining.  They have a lot of fun.  They laugh a lot.  They are not afraid of looking like the crazy American grannies.  The people here really respond to their energy and had a lot of fun with them as well.  

 

This was Ruth's third trip and my mom's fourth.  But it was their second trip coming down as "the Grannies."  (just them, no group)

The DR is my home.  This is where I live, work, serve.  The best thing about this place is the people.  One of my greatest desires is for my family and friends (from the states) to have the opportunity to experience the hospitality, warmth, and love of the people here.  Unfortunately, the people here get a little shy around Americans (especially in big groups).

Since the Grannies are just a group of two, they have had the opportunity to experience some things that the work teams don't.  Last year, they were able to get to know and form relationships with some of the people here.  It was fun for me to see how those relationships grew this year, and new relationships were formed.  It was also interesting to see how the people here continued to get more comfortable and relax and joke with them and that the Grannies were more comfortable as well.  We left them on their own a few times where nobody spoke English (and they do not speak Spanish) but they were ok.  I think they can tell you it is amazing how deep of a relationships you can form with people who do not speak your same language.   I already have people reminding me that next year the Grannies need to go to their house for dinner or lunch or a cooking lesson, etc. 

It meant so much to me to see my mom and Ruth (who both are very important people in my life) being accepted, welcomed, loved by all of the people here who are also very important to me.  The people here (including me) are so appreciative of them and the love that they show by serving and helping here.  I am also appreciative to all of the people here who showed them a little bit of what my life is like here and why I love it so much.

We all can't wait for the Grannies to come back next year. 

Grannies on a Mission 2013

My mom (Karen Hoekstra) and Ruth Boss are here for their second annual "Grannies on a Mission" trip.  They are helping clean and organize not only the school and our offices but also our houses.  The Grannies just love to organize.  We have also been able to give them some great Dominican experiences and they are continuing to build relationships with the people here.  We have also been laughing a lot and having some fun.  They are writing all about their adventures on my "Grannies on a Mission" blog.  If you want to check it out, here is the link to their first post. A few more posts should be up shortly.

Grannies on a Mission: THEY'RE BAAAAACK!

Love and Encouragement

About three weeks ago, I spent my day praying, crying, and writing. I learned long ago that God uses my blog to speak to me more than to anyone else.  The result of that day was my last blog post.

 I showed it to Eddy, took a deep breath, and hit "post".  

For the rest of the day, I was nervous.  I could see on my blog my stats, how many people were reading it, but I had no idea about their reactions.  I doubted myself and my decision to post it.  I couldn't get myself to read through it again, I was remembering what I wrote and all the negative ways people might see it. Eddy warned me that that would probably happen, and he was right.  I was kind of a mess.

And then, that night before bed, I checked my email.

I had received my first response.

I breathed a sigh of relief, I let all of my worry go, I read through my post again with new eyes.  No longer judgmental but with compassion and understanding.  From what I imagined was the perspective of the person who had written me.


The next day, I checked again, and I had a couple comments on the post and a few more emails.  Each day, for several days I received emails and messages.  Messages in which people shared their own experiences, messages of love and encouragement

I haven't been able to respond to all of you individually, but I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for sharing your own experiences with me and for all of your love and prayers and support.  I can not tell you what it has meant to me.  Your responses have not only encouraged me but also helped me to face some things that I had been avoiding.  

I can see clearly now how God is using my post to help me.  Each time I re-read my post or received an email or message, I was forced to face and deal with my loss.  I choose to feel and cry and pray and talk to my husband when in the past I would have avoided thinking about it and found a way to distract myself.  These have not been the easiest three weeks of my life, but they have been a time of healing and growth. 

God has also used your responses to remind me how surrounded by love I really am.  How blessed I am to have so many people praying for me and supporting me.  I am so thankful for all of you.

These last weeks I have also been praying for joy and God has been answering.  Although I have had difficult days, there have been days when I find myself joyful.  Sunday was one of them.  On the way to church I felt joy and I was excited about worshiping and I knew that that joy was a direct answer to my prayers. 

I am also looking forward to several visitors in the next month.  On Saturday, the "Grannies on a Mission" will be returning (my mom and Ruth).  You guys can probably expect some updates on their blog next week.  Next Friday, my dad will come down to join my mom and Eddy and I will get to spend some time with them.  Right after that a woman from our mission organization is coming to visit for a couple weeks and Crown Point church is coming back down for their third construction work team in February.  The next month will be very busy, but having visitors and getting to spend time with family and friends is always good for me.   I will keep you all updated on how it all goes. 

The Truth

Hi everyone.  So I haven't updated my blog in a really long time.  When I don't blog for a while most of you assume it's because things have been really busy, and sometimes that is true.  When we have work teams down, for example, things get really busy and I don't have time to blog.  But most of the time, when I'm not blogging, it's for another reason.  It's because I'm struggling.

If you know me personally, you probably know that I am actually a very private person.  It goes against my nature to talk about myself, especially when it comes to personal things.  Over the last few years, that is obviously something that I have had to confront and overcome over and over again.  I present in churches and schools, I share my testimony, I open myself up to the people we are serving...

and I write about my journey in my blog.

God and I have had several coversations about this. 

Sometimes I feel like it is "unfair" that I have to write my most personal thoughts for the world to judge and other people don't. 

Now there are a few things that you will notice about that last statement.  First, you might say that I don't "have to" write a blog, that it is my choice.  And that's true, it is my choice.  But the one constant over the last three and half years is that I KNOW when God is calling me to do something, and when He gives me that surety, I will always choose to do what He is calling me to do. 

The second thing you will notice is the word "judge".  Why am I so private?  What is my biggest fear?  That people will judge me.  That if I talk about certain things they will think that I am just "looking for attention."

If I tell you that five months ago I had a miscarriage, will you think that I'm looking for attention or pity?

As a missionary, my worry is compounded.  Most of the people that support us read this blog.  It is even connected to some church's websites.  I worry that they have expectations of me and I don't how to live up to those expectations because I'm not even sure what they are.  

If I tell you all how much I have struggled in the last five months, will you question my ability to do the job that God has called me to do down here? 

I don't know the answer to those questions, so when I'm struggling, I stay quiet.  But right now, I am feeling called to write about this, so I am.  I don't know His reasons, maybe it is for my own good, maybe it is to help someone else who will read this.  Maybe both.  Maybe neither. 

Either way, here it is.

About six months ago (when I was in the states) I found out I was pregnant.  I spent a month planning a life that would include a baby.  I smiled as I imagined Eddy's mom's reaction when we told her (and his aunts' and his sisters') I was pretty sure it would include screaming and dancing around.  I knew it would bring me closer to them and help deepen our relationship.  I imagined the reactions of the the women I work with and at the church. I again imagined screaming and jumping up and down.  Some of them had been praying for a baby for us since the day we got married (it's a cultural thing).  I was going to have almost a full school year to really work with my teachers and get them to a place where they would be ok without me to finish the year.  I was going to need to find a doctor.  We figured out a plan of how we were going to fit a crib into our tiny apartment (we were going to get rid of the couch).  I don't think a minute went by in that month that I wasn't thinking about the baby that I was carrying.

And then, about a week before Eddy and I came back to the DR, it was confirmed, at our first ultrasound appointment, that I had lost the baby.

That life that I had been planning in my head?  It didn't exist anymore.  There was no good news to tell all of the people in our lives.  There was just a big hole, where that baby should have been.  And soon, the sadness turned to anger.

In my anger, the Enemy got a foothold, started telling me lies, and aimed my anger mostly in one direction: the Dominican Republic.

I was back here, far away from my family and friends and in a culture where I couldn't get through a day without someone asking me when I was going to have a baby.  It's a cultural thing that I had long ago gotten used to and we hadn't told anybody what happened, so they had no idea what each comment did to me.  I began to isolate myself, from everyone.

This was the first lie: that in the Dominican Republic, we had no one.  That they would blame me if we told them.  That the comments about infertility would start.  That because we are the leaders here, it is our job to take care of and support everyone else.  That we have no one here to take care of and support us.

The Truth: we are so blessed to have so many amazing people in our lives here in the Dominican Republic.  Eddy's family.  The staff at the school.  The members of our church.  They LOVE us.  They pray for us, they would do whatever was in their hands to help us and take care of us without a second's hesitation.  It was me.  I cut myself off from them.  I was not allowing them to show me love or be there for me.  I believed the lie.

I have always loved living here in the DR.  It's not perfect but I was happy living here.  But during that time, I could not remember why.  I was miserable. I did not want to be here, I resented the fact that I had to be here.  I raged against the Dominican Republic (which I know sounds ridiculous). 

And then the Enemy brought it to the next level.

As I said, I resented the fact that I was here in the Dominican Republic.  So the Enemy asked me: Who brought you here?  Whose fault is it that you are stuck here?  Who called you to this ministry?  Who let your baby die?

God.

It always comes down to that doesn't it?  The Enemy doing whatever he can to separate us from God?  And so often we let him convince us that it is all God's fault.   That He let this happen to us.  That He doesn't care about us.

I was so lost in my sadness and anger that I didn't even see what was happening.  With my husband's help, I opened my eyes.  I saw my sin for what it was.  I had to stop fighting and let go.  I had to accept that my life did not include a baby and that no amount of "raging" would change that.  Just as I had to stop cutting off the people in my life and allow them to love and take care of me, I had to stop cutting off God and let myself feel His comfort and love.
 
Because He had never left.  He had always been there right beside me as I cried and mourned and raged.  He helped me recognize the lies and see the truth.  He welcomed me with open arms and gave me forgiveness that I didn't deserve. 

I wish I could put this all in past tense and wrap it up in a neat bow and tell you that now everything is great and I am filled with joy and peace that never leaves.  I can't do that.  But I can tell you that even though I still sometimes struggle, God is using this situation.  He is using it to bring both me and my husband closer to Him.  To bring us closer together.  To help us grown spiritually, both individually and in our marriage.  I fully believe that we will come out of this much stronger and better prepared for the work that God is calling us to do and for the struggles that we will face in the future.

So that's my story.  That's the truth.  I can't help but wonder how you will react.  Will you judge me and think that as a missionary I should be better?  (I thought that for a long time) Or will it help you see that even though I have been called to another country to work in God's ministry, I am just like you.  I am a sinner.  I struggle.  I fall down.  That it's through God's grace that I am able to do the work that He is calling me to do down here. 

He deserves all the glory and I deserve none. 

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

New School Year

Well, we have been back to school for just about a month now.

As you can see from these first two pictures, the first couple of weeks were a little bit difficult for some of our kids (especially the 2 year olds).  But I am happy to report that we have made it through that stage and now have preschool full of happy children.  Here are a few pictures.

4 year old class

3 year old class

2 year olds

Eddy at his new desk.