What I am about to write about is not a new topic. It is not a revolutionary concept. But it’s the work that God has been doing in
me. He has been teaching me that He
loves me. Obviously, this something that
I know. This is something that any of my
preschoolers could tell you. They sing
it every day. Jesus loves me.
However, God has not been teaching me to know that He loves
me. He has been teaching me to see the
outpouring of that love in my life and to recognize it for what it is. As a result, I feel loved. For me, using the word ‘loved’ to describe
myself, has a deeper significance.
I am loved.
It's more than just a word or a feeling, it is a state of being.
I am loved.
I need to be conscious of that. I need to be thankful for that. It needs to be my testimony.
I have this memory of my wedding weekend.
It's so clear in my mind. We had all piled into a bus and were heading to Jarabacoa. My whole family and close friends were there, Eddy's whole family was there. There were a lot of us and we were pretty smushed into that bus.
Our wedding was the next morning, but we were heading up to Jarabacoa the day before so that we could have some good family time together. I remember sitting next to my soon-to-be husband and looking out the window at the beautiful mountains and listening to praise and worship music and having this amazing feeling wash over me. It was a feeling of being loved.
I felt loved.
I felt loved because I was surrounded by my family and friends who came all the way from the states for my wedding were so, unbelievably, supportive of me and Eddy and our marriage. I felt loved because of the acceptance of Eddy's family into their family. I felt loved because there was man sitting next to me who had chosen to be at my side for the rest of our lives.
But the feeling of being loved went deeper than that. I realized that all of those people in my life; my family, his family, my husband, were all blessings given to me by my God, out of love for me. I am loved by a perfect Father, who gives me more than I need and who blesses me in immeasurable ways BECAUSE HE LOVES ME.
Now, like I said. This may not seem like a huge revelation to you. Maybe you have never struggled with feeling loved. Maybe that was not a hard concept for you to grasp. But in my life, I believed for a long time that I was unlovable. The enemy convinced me at a young age that I was impossible to love. With each mistake and failure, he reminded me that I would never be good enough.
Since that day before my wedding, God has used people and sermons and books and children and His word to teach me about His love. He has shown me in countless ways that no matter what I’ve done, or the mistakes I make, or if I fail, His love doesn’t. I don’t need to earn His love. I don’t need to be “good enough”.
Another example of this is our recent trip to the states.
Eddy and I just spent about 6 weeks in the states. We had a great time and God blessed our time there and our work. We presented in four churches, had several meetings, found over 40 new sponsors for our students, etc. We also had the opportunity to go spend time with family and friends. I also had a lot of fun watching Eddy experience his first Chicago winter. It was his first time seeing snow, feeling cold, going sledding.
However, in our last days in the states, as I was reflecting on our time there, I was brought back to that same feeling of being loved.
Stepping away, having some time for rest, praising God in my first language, being surrounded by my family and our amazing group of supporters, and growing in my relationship with Christ. All of those blessings, which not only gave me a sense of peace in the midst of difficult times, but also a reassurance of the unfailing and unconditional and elaborate love of God.
So as I am handed pamphlets by my doctor with the word "infertility" on them and the enemy starts to whisper in my ear, I can stand firm in the knowledge that I am loved. And as the weight of my responsibility in the ministry and the stress keep my mind running at night preventing sleep, I can remind myself that I don't need to be perfect because I am loved.
And every time I look at my husband or skype with my family or remember my nieces or nephews or receive an encouraging email or notice any of the blessings that God has given me, I can remember that as He blessed me with each of those things, He was saying to me "You are loved."
