The Truth

Hi everyone.  So I haven't updated my blog in a really long time.  When I don't blog for a while most of you assume it's because things have been really busy, and sometimes that is true.  When we have work teams down, for example, things get really busy and I don't have time to blog.  But most of the time, when I'm not blogging, it's for another reason.  It's because I'm struggling.

If you know me personally, you probably know that I am actually a very private person.  It goes against my nature to talk about myself, especially when it comes to personal things.  Over the last few years, that is obviously something that I have had to confront and overcome over and over again.  I present in churches and schools, I share my testimony, I open myself up to the people we are serving...

and I write about my journey in my blog.

God and I have had several coversations about this. 

Sometimes I feel like it is "unfair" that I have to write my most personal thoughts for the world to judge and other people don't. 

Now there are a few things that you will notice about that last statement.  First, you might say that I don't "have to" write a blog, that it is my choice.  And that's true, it is my choice.  But the one constant over the last three and half years is that I KNOW when God is calling me to do something, and when He gives me that surety, I will always choose to do what He is calling me to do. 

The second thing you will notice is the word "judge".  Why am I so private?  What is my biggest fear?  That people will judge me.  That if I talk about certain things they will think that I am just "looking for attention."

If I tell you that five months ago I had a miscarriage, will you think that I'm looking for attention or pity?

As a missionary, my worry is compounded.  Most of the people that support us read this blog.  It is even connected to some church's websites.  I worry that they have expectations of me and I don't how to live up to those expectations because I'm not even sure what they are.  

If I tell you all how much I have struggled in the last five months, will you question my ability to do the job that God has called me to do down here? 

I don't know the answer to those questions, so when I'm struggling, I stay quiet.  But right now, I am feeling called to write about this, so I am.  I don't know His reasons, maybe it is for my own good, maybe it is to help someone else who will read this.  Maybe both.  Maybe neither. 

Either way, here it is.

About six months ago (when I was in the states) I found out I was pregnant.  I spent a month planning a life that would include a baby.  I smiled as I imagined Eddy's mom's reaction when we told her (and his aunts' and his sisters') I was pretty sure it would include screaming and dancing around.  I knew it would bring me closer to them and help deepen our relationship.  I imagined the reactions of the the women I work with and at the church. I again imagined screaming and jumping up and down.  Some of them had been praying for a baby for us since the day we got married (it's a cultural thing).  I was going to have almost a full school year to really work with my teachers and get them to a place where they would be ok without me to finish the year.  I was going to need to find a doctor.  We figured out a plan of how we were going to fit a crib into our tiny apartment (we were going to get rid of the couch).  I don't think a minute went by in that month that I wasn't thinking about the baby that I was carrying.

And then, about a week before Eddy and I came back to the DR, it was confirmed, at our first ultrasound appointment, that I had lost the baby.

That life that I had been planning in my head?  It didn't exist anymore.  There was no good news to tell all of the people in our lives.  There was just a big hole, where that baby should have been.  And soon, the sadness turned to anger.

In my anger, the Enemy got a foothold, started telling me lies, and aimed my anger mostly in one direction: the Dominican Republic.

I was back here, far away from my family and friends and in a culture where I couldn't get through a day without someone asking me when I was going to have a baby.  It's a cultural thing that I had long ago gotten used to and we hadn't told anybody what happened, so they had no idea what each comment did to me.  I began to isolate myself, from everyone.

This was the first lie: that in the Dominican Republic, we had no one.  That they would blame me if we told them.  That the comments about infertility would start.  That because we are the leaders here, it is our job to take care of and support everyone else.  That we have no one here to take care of and support us.

The Truth: we are so blessed to have so many amazing people in our lives here in the Dominican Republic.  Eddy's family.  The staff at the school.  The members of our church.  They LOVE us.  They pray for us, they would do whatever was in their hands to help us and take care of us without a second's hesitation.  It was me.  I cut myself off from them.  I was not allowing them to show me love or be there for me.  I believed the lie.

I have always loved living here in the DR.  It's not perfect but I was happy living here.  But during that time, I could not remember why.  I was miserable. I did not want to be here, I resented the fact that I had to be here.  I raged against the Dominican Republic (which I know sounds ridiculous). 

And then the Enemy brought it to the next level.

As I said, I resented the fact that I was here in the Dominican Republic.  So the Enemy asked me: Who brought you here?  Whose fault is it that you are stuck here?  Who called you to this ministry?  Who let your baby die?

God.

It always comes down to that doesn't it?  The Enemy doing whatever he can to separate us from God?  And so often we let him convince us that it is all God's fault.   That He let this happen to us.  That He doesn't care about us.

I was so lost in my sadness and anger that I didn't even see what was happening.  With my husband's help, I opened my eyes.  I saw my sin for what it was.  I had to stop fighting and let go.  I had to accept that my life did not include a baby and that no amount of "raging" would change that.  Just as I had to stop cutting off the people in my life and allow them to love and take care of me, I had to stop cutting off God and let myself feel His comfort and love.
 
Because He had never left.  He had always been there right beside me as I cried and mourned and raged.  He helped me recognize the lies and see the truth.  He welcomed me with open arms and gave me forgiveness that I didn't deserve. 

I wish I could put this all in past tense and wrap it up in a neat bow and tell you that now everything is great and I am filled with joy and peace that never leaves.  I can't do that.  But I can tell you that even though I still sometimes struggle, God is using this situation.  He is using it to bring both me and my husband closer to Him.  To bring us closer together.  To help us grown spiritually, both individually and in our marriage.  I fully believe that we will come out of this much stronger and better prepared for the work that God is calling us to do and for the struggles that we will face in the future.

So that's my story.  That's the truth.  I can't help but wonder how you will react.  Will you judge me and think that as a missionary I should be better?  (I thought that for a long time) Or will it help you see that even though I have been called to another country to work in God's ministry, I am just like you.  I am a sinner.  I struggle.  I fall down.  That it's through God's grace that I am able to do the work that He is calling me to do down here. 

He deserves all the glory and I deserve none. 

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”